Change of plans...

...I was going to stay and Dharmaj and teach at a school there...all the preparations had been made and the school had even sent lesson plans and books over. But half an hour later, I started to really think about it, and I have a confession to make. In my overwhelming desire to teach, i overlooked certain aspects of the Dharmaj School which would conflict with many of my general ideologies and aims in coming here. I so desperately wanted to teach a class that I overlooked many things and in that haste made the wrong decision. When I originally decided to come here, I wanted to stay in a small village and live with the people, and teach in an underfunded, resource-limited school. In my own ignorance and unpreparedness, I assumed my Gujarati would be sufficient. In what state of mind I could have made such a calous decision, I have no clue, for I can neither write nor read Gujarati...even my spoken Gujarati leaves much to be desired. Once I woke up and realized that i couldn't possibly teach in a Gujarati school, English medium ones became the only viable option. But these are inevitably privately funded and thus rich in both wealth and resources. Thus, though working in Dharmaj would satisfy one of my dreams (living in a small village), it would be at the expense of my own morals. For one, teaching English in a non-English speaking area (such as Gujarat) is a loose form of colonization. For two, I've come all this way to donate my time and services, and this donation made to a private school which can even afford to pay me, lacks sense. Thus though it has longtime been my dream to teach in India, I have decided to forgo the teaching opportunites here and instead spend time at Goraj's Muni Seva Ashram. It has been built with love and true concern for the community offerring free medical aid, a nursery, orphanage, facilities to empower mentally handicapped women, etc. I feel my time and energy will be better served here. I also feel a little naiive/stupid for thinking I could teach here.
The silly thing is how i realized how foolish I was being. After speaking to family in Dharmaj to tell them I was going to work there, I was going through books to read. I saw Arundhati Roy's (my favourite author) books in the pile and imagined (for the millionth time) what a conversation with her would be like if I found her in Delhi or Kerala (yes I know I'm strange, but I do imagine conversations with people!). And I imagined myself telling her that I was volunteering at a private, English-medium school. She wasn't impressed. It's bizarre how imagining scenarios like that can be so enlightening and reveal something so hidden.
I have another confession to make. Since coming here, I've just been feeling so sorry for myself. I really miss South Africa -- I miss the kids, the patients, the other volunteers & people I left behind...But after yesterday, I began to think about my time here. About where my focus and energy should be and about how trite my concerns over my own life are in the grand scheme of things. That I came here to serve this community, and I shouldn't let anything take away from that. I started listening to the CD of the Agape kids singing, and thinking about the struggles that exist there. And I realized for the first time perhaps, that the same struggles exist here, though in a different time or space or form. It is up to me to find them. There are mysteries for me to unfold here too.

Reading pleasures -- I finished the "Pedagogy of the oppressed". All in all it was a slow read for me and a bit tiresome. It was informative, but I couldn't always follow his style of writing.
I decided to reread "The God of Small Things" by Arundhati Roy and I remembered all over again why I fell in love with it the first time. There are moments when I am reading her work where I just want to live and breathe in the sentences and metaphors she creates.

Take care all,
Miss you,
Resh.