The Middle of Nowhere...

..is precisely where I am!
But I have managed to find a place to check email!
I just wrote a long post that got deleted. I really hate computers sometimes!
Things are okay here. I am at the Ashram, and although I have my moments, am hanging in there. There are times where I really hate India and want to go home, and other times where I find it strangely alluring. The alluring times are usually in the morning when it’s not so hot, and the times where I hate it are usually at night when the big bugs and lizards start to take over my room and the heat becomes unbearable to sleep in.
I’m at a dormitory with first year nursing students (all girls). They are so sweet! They bring me snacks and food when the dinner isn’t good (often), get rid of lizards that are blocking vital areas (like the bathroom), and brought me plugins to get rid of little bugs. They call me ‘didi’ (Hindi for sister) and are so cute. They are kept under such strict watch here though. It’s so scary! They aren’t allowed to leave the dorms with any part of their body exposed (other than arms and face), can only make one phone call to their parents in a week, aren’t allowed to speak to 2nd year students…etc. One of them is engaged (to her cousin but that’s another story) and hadn’t talked to her fiancée in a month! So I gave them my mobile number and now their families call on that during the week. But it’s all very hush hush! Despite their company, I do find myself being quite lonely here. Not only is there a language barrier but a societal one as well. I don’t know how to approach them about things like politics, sexism, racism, etc.
On Saturday I was at a residence for mentally handicapped women of all ages. There was 104 women there, and I couldn’t handle it! I just couldn’t stomach the work. All that time in SA, and I was never in a situation where I thought “I have to get out of here, I can’t deal with this.” But I just felt way out of my league, and so uncomfortable. It’s probably some kind of phobia that I must get over. But it was just scary. There were women screaming and yelling, some were having fits, some couldn’t walk or function, others seemed normal one minute and then insane the next, some would talk to me really closely, others would avoid me like the plague. It was just scary. The women that run the place are remarkable. They have such patience and love…it’s quite amazing. I don’t know how they do what they do…
Yesterday I was at the orphanage in the morning, helping kids with homework and talking to them and stuff, and then at the nursery in the afternoon. The nursery is for people who live in small villages and need to travel far to work, and usually leave their children unattended. A bus picks up all the kids and brings them to the Ashram (or other centers in other areas…there are about 30 nurseries) where they stay for the afternoon. The kids from the orphanage leave for school around 10:30 and the nursery kids don’t arrive till 11:30. In the meantime, I played with the 5 kids at the orphanage that are too young to go to school. They were so naughty! And the women in charge of the orphanage (2 of them) hit the kids a lot. Even kick them. It’s really hard to get used to. Even the older kids often hit the younger kids when they misbehave. It’s just so different. As a result, the younger kids end up hitting each other a lot because they learn from their elders. In comparison, the nursery kids that arrive at 11:30 are much better behaved. There’s about 50 kids in all and all of them are under 6!!! It tests my patience like no one knows. The nursery kids still hit each other a lot, and then end up crying. That rarely happened at Agape, and even then, only with Simphewe, whose issues with violence are deeply rooted in her past experiences. The older kids wouldn’t ever hit the younger ones at Agape. So things are different.
On the whole, I feel like people are weary of me here. It’s not that I feel unwelcome, but that I felt much more welcome in SA perhaps. I think it may have a lot to do with me being Indian, and people expecting me to act a certain way. Whereas if I wasn’t, they wouldn’t have those expectations. I just feel like sometimes people are watching me closely, waiting for me to slip up. As though they are waiting for an opportunity to question my “Indianness”. I’m really not the biggest fan of it.

Reading Pleasures – Finished the God of Small Things, and am now reading “After Shock: Global Feminist Perspectives on September 11”. I bought it ages ago because it contains excerpts of writings from two of my favourite people (Ani Difranco and Arundhati Roy). It’s really good though.

Quick shoutouts:

Kalpana Auntie, Pratik and Denise – who have upcoming bdays!!!
Adil and Sofi – who called me at 2 in the morning! But it was so appreciated and made my day!!!

Take care all,
Reshma.